Things You Don’t Want To Hear From The Flightdeck (part 1 of 1)..

September 5, 2007

..’ladies and gents, we have a problem in the front cabin where the cabin crew and I can smell burning. We will have to return to the terminal to check it out ..’

Luckily we were still on the ground at the time, and we eventually made it back to Australia in one piece (as you can tell. Either that or this is some bizarre blog from beyond the grave).

Thankfully, Qantas did decide to ask the engineers to look at the issue, rather than sacrificing some goats to fix the problem!

Soon to be ex-goat

I’m back!

September 5, 2007

Made it back from Indonesia in one piece. Did you miss me? I even managed to get married in the process (and, yes, that was planned before I went 😉 ).

He Shoots, He Scores!

August 19, 2007

I see that the Prime Ministerial hopeful Kevin Rudd is in a bit of trouble here for a boys night out at a ‘Gentlemans’ club in New York.

Kevin Rudd

The visit to Scores nightclub happened a few years back, when Mr Rudd and friends were allegedly evicted for some naughty behaviour (although he claims memory loss on that particular point).

Lots of noise in the press here about it, but I actually think it’s kind of cool. I reckon that if you canvassed most people on the street they’d probably say the same thing. At least it shows he’s a normal bloke, capable of letting the old hair down, going out getting lashed and pushing on a bit late.

Somehow I can’t imagine Mr Howard and Mr Bush down Men’s Gallery during the upcoming APEC conference.

Given the way things are going, I’m sure that if someone mentioned a ‘happy ending’ to Mr Bush he’d be right there though.

If you notice a bunch of sunglasses wearing guys in black suits and earpieces outside Chequers in a couple of weeks, don’t say I didn’t warn you 🙂

Creative Deleting

August 16, 2007

They say that simple things please simple minds, which is probably why I am always amused to see creative deleting on warning notices, public signs etc.

Creative deleting? Let me give you an example:

[spotted on the London Underground]
Original message: “blocking the doors causes delays and can be dangerous”
Creative deleted: “blocking the doors causes delays and can anger us”

See what they did there? Way more amusing than keying windows IMHO.

Other ‘classics’:

[CityRail – this is definitely a classic as pretty much every train has this one]
Original message: “At night travel near the guards compartment marked with a blue light”
Creative deleted: “At night rave near the guards compartment naked with a blue light”

[Sydney bus]
Original message: “Please give up this seat for elderly or disabled passengers”
Creative deleted: “Please eat elderly disabled passengers”

[London bus]
Original message: “This area is reserved for elderly, disabled or pregnant passengers or those in a wheelchair”
Creative deleted: “This area is reserved for elderly disabled pregnant passengers in a wheelchair”

There’s also creative adding, which isn’t quite as clever (for example No Parking easily becomes No Barking).

Anyone got any more examples?

Altered Sign

Mind The Gap

August 15, 2007

Sydneysiders enjoy a number of fun hobbies, including: going to the beach, wearing t-shirts with turned-up collars and bagging CityRail.

CityRail Logo

Probably the best page in the local free daily newspaper ‘Mx’ is the letters page, which is normally entirely devoted to horror stories about late trains, annoying (or hot) fellow passengers and nasty ticket inspectors.

Coming from the UK, and having had to deal with the train situation there for far too long, I don’t actually think the train service is that bad here (although the coverage kind of sucks sometimes).

CityRail themselves have made some sterling efforts to improve performance though, including:

– altering the timetable
– removing a bunch of services (less trains = less chance for cockups)
– running the trains slower and taking longer at each station
– shutting down large parts of the network most weekends for track work
– putting the prices up
– suggesting that running within 10 minutes of schedule = on time!

Hmm. Ok, so there are some issues. However, I can now categorically state that I have the answer: music!

I’m not talking busking, or piped music, or free Ipods. No, what we need are some tinkly jingles at each station when the train arrives!

In Japan, for example, they play a funny tune to announce the train. The tunes differ depending on the line and station. At Denver airport they play some crazy deliverance-style twanging country at each stop. Although, as this was the US, the music is accompanied by the recording of a guy saying things like: ‘yippee-kay-ey mother frighteners. We’re now lee-eeving the A terminal. Hold on tight y’all. Yeehah!’ (or something like that. It had been a long trip and I was tired).

Even Gare De Lyon in Paris, which is a heaving mass of sweating bodies most of the time, manages to inject a bit of Euro-techno just prior to their announcements.

So come on CityRail. You know it makes sense. When the train arrives .. the first bar from ‘Down Under’ with the pipe sounding thing. As it leaves .. the second bar.

Perfect. And a welcome distraction from all the other issues.

“Dear Mx ….. “

Des-perate and dateless

August 13, 2007

Filed under ‘don’t know whether to laugh or cry’. Take a good look at this fellow below. Hard to believe that such a fine figure of a man would be struggling to get a date, but poor old Des Gregor, 56, has just returned from a holiday of a lifetime in Mali where he had gone to meet his internet ‘girlfriend’. He also believed he was on a promise not just of some big-time loving but a dowry of $100K.

Desparate Des

Of course, when Mr Gregor arrived, his ‘girlfriend’ had morphed into several large men carrying weapons and demanding money. Luckily he managed to get away relatively safely after some intense negotiations by international agencies.

Desperate Des was obviously sleeping the day they were handing out brains: he’d also previously been scammed in a Russian bride sting!

Hey Des – I have a bridge I’m looking to sell. I’ll throw in some free shopper dockets and an all-you-can-eat buffet token at Garfunkels 🙂

Oh wait, turns out he’s busy working with some nice folks from Nigeria who’ve promised him a cut of some deceased estate in return for
his bank details.

Lucky fella!